This blog is in chill-mode, but you'll still find archived posts and book updates/events.

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Time for Goodbye

Howdy, KuKd/TTC'ers and Inquisitive Guests,

Last year, I made big, bitchin' promise to myself, my husband, and the ball of babe-age in my tummy: that I would end this blog once Sean came into the world. Well, here he is - so that time has come.

(eyes watering, gawd)

I'm sure you can understand my reasons for this. Mainly, I knew that my own focus would shift to the present child and away from the past, which it has; that this particular space wouldn't be the most appropriate place to document Sean's life and my experience as his mom; and that - ultimately - this blog's shelf-life would have ended by that time. I sure as heck wasn't going to turn this into a mom-diary sort of thing. There are about eight gadzillion of those blogs out there already - many of which are funny as hell and awesomely written - so why duplicate what others are doing so well.

I thought of this cool image of the KuKd/TTC world while I was up at 2am this morning: all of us on our own individual journeys on a labyrinth of dirt paths in a huge forest (can ya picture it?). Sometimes we bump into each other on the same path and walk together for a while, arm-n-arm, clinging to each other for companionship. Just as we get used to one another as comrads, one of our paths suddenly branches off in a separate direction - like when one of us has or loses a baby, for example, or gets pregnant. And then BOOM - we're alone again in the forest. But even when that happens, I'd like to think we never drift too far from each other - because we all have this same intense shared experience that bonds us together. I can see it in the amazing compassion and ongoing support that I've seen right here on this very blog, time and time again during my own KuKd ups and downs over the last few years. Even as my own path branched off abruptly, I could hear the supportive shouts of others, echoing through the forest.

(end crunchy-Zenlike forest euphemism)

I want to issue a humongous THANKS-A-ROO to the many long-time readers and supporters of this space (y'all know who you are) and occasional dabblers, as well as our respective Knocked-Down Hunks. It's you who have made this blog what it is, and inspired me to keep coming back to spew out thoughts, knowing I could be honest without being judged. I've learned so much from your insight, learned what compassion really means, and acquired this awesome and unexpected sense of KuKd/TTC community just from coming back and seeing the same familiar voices and faces piping in each week. Isn't that weird and cool how that happens, how supported one can feel just from virtual chatter? If there were a way to do a big group hug over the Internet, I'd do it now - a hug for all of the folks in various stages of the KuKd/TTC journey, voices and faces I've come to "know" over the past few years here.

And of course, an ultra-huge shout out to ALL of our loved children up in the MTV Realworld Penthouse for Bitchin' Stillborn Babes. I look at infant Sean's face, and I see - finally - what Zachary would have been, what we lost, why it sucked so horrifically. And I see, finally, the untapped potential of all miscarried and stillborn and died-after-born babes in the entire world, the could-haves and would-haves.

(eyes watering again, gawd)

* * *

Although my posts will stop, the blog itself will stick around in one form or another - probably as a holding place for information about my new book, occasional related updates, and archives of earlier stuff posted here. The hunks will stay; why deprive the world of that eye candy. If you're really interested in the Sean-updates that my physical-world friends and family receive, feel free to connect with me on Facebook, or shoot me an e-mail.

I'd like to end with a few last photos. I'll call this gallery: Death, Life, and Dog Poop.

Zachary, where it all began (holy goodness, I loved him so!):

Lil' Sean Murf, new seed of life (holy goodness, I love him so!):

Tebow the dog, getting used to little bro:

My Knocked-Down Hunk with baby hunk-o-babyness:

Bath time:

Last but not least - and totally unrelated to anything: here's Tebow's bag-o-shit clamped in the car window on the way back from the lake because we couldn't find a trash can (hee hee!):


Adios, amigos.


Hope's Mama said...

Oh no! You're leaving!? I feared this post.
But.... I totally get it.
God Monica, I don't know what to say except THANK YOU and all the very best with everything.
Yours was the first (and possibly only) loss blog that really made me laugh. Like snort out my nose laugh.
Love to you, Kevin and both of your gorgeous boys.
I'll catch you on the facebooks....

oh and ps: got an email from Amazon this week - the book has been shipped to me in Australia! I hope I get it before Christmas!

'Murgdan' said...

*sniffle, sniffle*...but I get it. Sent you a FB friend request...I am so so happy for you and your family!

Mendy said...

How sad am I that you're shutting down! But it makes sense. I would love to see future pictures of little Sean so I'll be sending you a FB request.

So happy for you!

*~*Lis*~* said...

I had to know this was coming - I'm so glad I got to "know" you through this weird blog-vine. Hope you keep up the funny on FB!

Congratulations again!

Tina said...

Nooooooo...say it ain't so Monica!!! I am happy that you are at that place where you no longer have the same need for this space. I wish you the best with sweet little Sean and eveyrthing else life brings to you. Thanks for all the favorite though is the new word I got from you..."fucktarded!" xx

Pundelina said...

Awwwww, but completely understandable. I've friended you in FB anyways cause otherwise I'll miss you too much.

The littlest Murf is just delectable!

Supposed to be... "Mama G"... said...

Oh my I'm sad to see you go, but I understand. Thank you, for being yourself, and writing the truth. Some may find it harsh, and abrupt..but so is baby loss. You're an inspiration. Best wishes to you and your family! I'll continue to follow this blog as long as it exists, and I am currently awaiting the arrival of my copy of your book.

Being Me said...

You have been so inspirational to so many. Please tell me you are going to at least leave this blog exactly where it is?? Please, please? Your words and humour and Zen-like visualisations are far too vital for all the KUKD members to come (sadly, they will keep coming and coming...). I link to you from my various ramblings around the www, I am a huge advocate of searching for kindred KUKD momma's and sticking with those who mirror your thoughts and challenge you in ways that feel safe. You've done that for so many families, I know without a doubt.

I feel so privileged to have read your thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing all that you have in the way that you have. It is inimitable.

Go forth and drown in the loveliness of your blessing. We will never forget Zachary, he has certainly made his mark - through you - on my world.


Sophie said...

I get it too. Blogging isn't the same for me either.

Thankyou for sharing your blog. Will be sending you a friend request.


Being Me said...

(I am such a dork, just read your last paragraphs again.... anyway, now you have a little confirmation - one of many probably - that your blog is too good to disappear!) xx

Megan said...

I think this is the most honorable thing to do with an IF/dead baby blog. I fully intended to do the same with my blog once I got out of the first trimester (of course never happened). You have moved on and you are in a different place now.

I think moving on blog world is the most noble thing to do for those of us still in the trenches.

We wish you luck and lots lots of love. We will miss you!!!

wifey said...

Oh Monica,

You totally made me cry with this post. Your writing will truly be missed.

Also - and its totally selfish of me to write this - please don't go! I know you're busy with book and baby bliss and whatnot, but I think there is a niche out there for bloggers like you. There may be a trillion parenting blogs out there, but nobody writes like you, with the perspective of living - and now parenting! - after horrific life-shit.

Anyways, I know you've made your decision, but consider this comment me wrapping my hands around your ankles while you try to walk out the door.

Love and best wished to your beautiful family.

lis said...


so glad you made your way if not through the maze, than to a place you could call home within it.

ill miss ya


Cape Girl said...

I'm sad, but glad. I've loved reading your blog, but this means that your life it where it should be, and it makes me think that soon hopefully, I'll be there, too.

Thanks for all the inspiration. I'm looking forward to reading your book which apparently shipped to me today.

I'll look you up on facebook, because I definitely want the Sean updates!

Enough happiness said...

I understand why you are leaving. It's time for a new chapter in your life. Thank you so much for having this blog. Your writing helped me through some tough times.

Sonya said...

Like a really good book, all dog-eared and warped from bathwater, characters sleeping soundly between bouts of pages being peered upon... like a really good book, eventually you come to the conclusion, and sadly the pages end.

You already miss the storyline, you've cheered for the hero, you've cursed the enemy, you've cried her tears and punched walls for his anger... you know the characters, at least the side the author choose to show you, and you will miss them as well.

It is always a bit easier to put the book back on the shelf when you've witnessed a decent ending.

Thanks. Love ya.

p.s. My handsome hubby looked over just as I was scrolling by Zachary. I said.. this is her stillborn son...

I scrolled down... and he was still looking.. and I explained.. this is her squirmyborn son...

I didn't pull his attention back to the page for the dog poop. He just doesn't know you well enough to get it.

biojen said...

Thanks for taking the time to leave a trail for all us bewildered moms just stumbling into the forest. Your comments have helped me get through the hardest part of my life. I'm so glad you got your happy ending. Take care of that beautiful boy, you deserved that.

Abby said...

Monica, I am sad to see you go.. You gave me many laughs as you shared your experiences in this well written blog. I wish you and your family all the best. Your son's are beautiful. (((HUGS)))

myskytimes said...

Oh, wow. Like Sally I feared this blogpost too, but I completely understand. (Even though I secretly hope you'll decide different in a few weeks) I wish you and your family all the best!

The book is on it's way to me and I can't wait to read. Will send you a line on FB...


Sharon said...

Dude! I'm gonna miss you! But at least we can keep in touch via FB!
Luv ya!

sbi said...

While I was never KuKd, I "got" it. Thank you, Monica, for always providing a "real" and insightful read. Congratulations to you and you lovely husband and best wishes on your new life adventure!

Natalia said...

Wow, I'm going to totally miss your posts. Even though I came onto to your blog and journey a little later I'm still glad I came across it. Because your experiences and humor gave me the strength to move forward in my own difficult times. I just ordered your book and look forward to reading it once I get back home :) Good Luck Monica to you and Kevin with your little bundle of cuteness that is Sean. And let me say that I will never forget little Zachary's story.

angie said...

Bummer. I will totally miss this space, and your insights into parenting after KUKD-itude. If you do decide to write about Sean and mothering and marriage and parenting after grief and loss, send the link. I basically love to read your insights into the world, no matter what aspect. XO

gwinne said...

I'll miss your voice online. But your book is in my amazon shopping cart, waiting for a moment I think I can handle reading it :)

best wishes to you and your family.

Keepontrying said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have helped me along this journey more than you will know! Sean is beautiful! Good luck with everything in your future. I have ordered your book and excited to read it!

leahjane8 said...

I had chills as I read this post. It felt like the last chapter of a book I really didn't want to end. I will miss reading you. You are the reason I started my own blog, originally just so I could write a comment on one of your posts but then I went on to write many posts of my own. I have never been a good writer or really enjoyed writing, but it has helped me get through some rough times. So thank you. And thank you for sharing your story, in this blog, in Exhale and in your book (which should arrive on my doorstep today!).

Carolyne said...

I can only try to understand how blogging feels so different now. I have loved reading your blog even if I don't actively show it enough.
Sean is beautiful and you now have 20 mins extra of your day to dote on him!
I'll look out for your book on this side of the pond.
Best wishes to you and the family for the future.

chicklet said...

Ack! Who will write "annoyed mother" posts with me?

Michelle said...

I am so sad! I don't want to see you go but I do understand. You will be missed!

I can't wait to read your book. Take care of yourself and that Beautiful baby!

Chris said...

I hope somehow that you will keep writing and sharing with us.

I want to read more, and I don't want to have to wait for books to do it!

Anyway, you've built a fantastic blog and a wonderful community. Congratulations on everything, and thinks for sharing with us here.

Fireflyforever said...

I'm so sad to see you go. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for everything you've shared here.

I don't do the whole FB thing but, like Angie says, if you do decide to continue the story elsewhere, please post a link. I want to be there :)

Anyhoo - ENJOY!

Reba said...

i can't wait to see your wit transformed into facebook wall one-liners! catch you on the flipside. so long, and thanks for all the fish. :)

Cassie said...

Whaaattt?! Oh, dannnng. I guess I wasn't around when you mentioned the end. I am still at my beginning point in this KuKd's only been one month since I lost my daughter, when I was 17 weeks along.

I guess the cool thing is that all your old posts are here so that we newly KuKd gals can go back and read them at our leisure :) (for me, 11:30 at night with a beer or two or three after my hubby, 3 1/2 yr old and 18 mo old sons are sleeping)!

You know what? You are right to move on, you are right to let go. It is natural, it is good. Use that time to be present with your aDORable son and supersweet just enjoy BEing with them. And make sure to take some time celebrate YOU and your rockin'ness! Not only have you made it through the forest, you've done so with beauty, heart, humor, and panache. I am honored to be walking the same path as you...we are honored women, straddling birth and death, capable of holding both in our bodies, in our hearts. How many people can say that?! Your beautiful pictures of Zachary and Sean prove this.

Monica, you make me proud to be in your tribe. Thank you, thank you, thank you <>.

P.S. Despite my understanding, I have to say...please do not stop writing AND publishing! As one English teacher to's just way to f'in good :)

Cristin said...

Holy balls am I going to miss your amazing insightful hilarious blogs.
I wish you nothing but the best and years and years of happy chaotic joy.

KuKd Chick said...

Sonya: I had to laugh at your remark, "he doesn't know you well enough to get it." Heh heh! Well yes, it was good judgment to steer him from the poop. Wouldn't want to frighten him.

All: thanks so much for being so...understanding. I knew you would be. :-)

the misfit said...

I know we had somewhat different IF paths, and probably occasionally saw an issue differently from one another. But I've always known you had enormous integrity, and knowing that promise would be needed, and carrying it out, reinforces my respect for you even as it makes me sad. I'll miss the kukd world you built here; but your world is different now, and all things pass away, and this, our present road, for good or ill, that too shall pass. Looking forward to meeting you on the other side of the forest some day.

Viktoria said...

*teary goodbye*

KuKd Chick said...

Misfit: goodness, you sent chills up my spine. Thank you for your gorgeous response - point taken.
:-) I'll be watching for you on that forest's edge.

Viktoria - it's just "c-ya later" for you - since I'm sure I'll bump into you soon enough!

Leslie said...

If you ever do decided to do that 'parenting after a loss' blog, be sure to come back and let us know. I would follow for sure.

Good luck out there in the land of the living child-- sounds MARVELOUS. Glad you're there.

Emerging Butterfly said...

Walking here crying....I would say I was sitting here crying, but my treadmill desk makes that an impossibility. So, I am walking here crying, because I am so happy for the closure you have found in your journey. I've said it before...this is YOUR time...and it's a beautiful thing. Best of wishes in your parenting and authoring adventure! I'll miss your snarky comments too much, so I'll just have to add you on facebook :o)

Jaime J said...

Monica, you rock. Bo'ldi.

Rivalen said...

If you continue writing elsewhere, we won't hold it against you. :)

Love the forest paths metaphor. Keep walking yours, and thanks for showing us all that keeping on walking on is the only way to get along. (bad rhymes are the worst way to say goodbye...oh dammit....

poppycat said...

I'm sad to see you go, sad that I didn't find you and your blog sooner, sad that I can't click over for a cackle or to read your painfully sharp wit but damn I'm glad you have reason to close up shop. I'm happy as hell you need to move into a new space and focus on new wonderful experiences.

Wishing you peace and happiness.

PS - the poo bag out the window is hilarious and brilliant!

Curls O Fred said...

And just when I'd found your blog.... :) I'll just go through the older posts to catch up on all the goodies...and maybe the fb thing. Thank you.

kb said...

Congratulations on your beautiful baby Sean. Your blog has helped me so much over the past year. Thank you so much for your writing and your words. Also, your book is on it's way to my house, so I can have a piece of your writing to remember how much your blog helped me after the death of my third, a girl named Jolene. Keeping your family in my thoughts- really thank you so much. Kristin

PFM said...

Mon, I am so happy for you. You are an inspiration. I have really enjoyed getting to know you. I will miss your blog and it makes me sad but I am so glad you were able to reach your goal- baby Sean is born and you can move on from this blog. New chapters in life. Keep in touch. You are a kindred spirit.

Katie said...

*tears* I'm so happy for you. Your closing the door on your KuKd journey feels like the closing to my chapters of that time as well. So crazy, but it really really does. Thank you for making me laugh at times I really just wanted to cry or die.

I am buying your book next payday. Don't let me forget...

Brenna said...

You're amazing! Reading this brought tears to my eyes...but as one Kuk'd mommy whose blog has stalled upon the birth of her first (or fourth) son--however you want to look at it--I get it, too. I love your words and your thoughts and your humor and your hutzpah so very much. It will be hard not to find frequent outpourings in this space...but now I'll have a good reason to get out there and buy your book!

Sending the hugest hugs imaginable to you, your hunk, Sean, and Tebow (the only dog I know named after our family!).

Lara said...

Those pics just -well you know-smiling crying. Thank you so for sharing your pictury of Zachary. Ouch it always hurts doesn't it. Heard on NPR a mom program. One mom was talking about the death of her teenage son in a car accident. She said, "I couldn't imagine I would live for 10 seconds, I was amazed when I lived for 10 days with out him, mortified when it was 10 months, and now 10 years" Yikes Love is Big! Sean is a wonder and I smile big that you have the WOW feeling. Will stay in touch on facebook and email and maybe a bike adventure some day! Love to you and the boys. Can't wait to get the book, when I finish the laundry-which is never so I better just get the book.

Love, Lara